Five Distinct Behaviors that Undermine Self-Confidence and Block Trust in Marriage

  
As ministers, we take a huge hit everyday by thrusting ourselves out into the population of people who desperately need wisdom, care and a listening ear.  Because the needs are so huge, many times we neglect our marriages.  We can't take them for granted, because our marriage is the launching pad for our ministry.  When marriage goes down, it all goes down.  Here are a few barriers and builders to provoke your thinking.  Each barrier is replaced by a builder causing us to enjoy much greater improvement in our relationships as a couple.

Barrier 1: Assuming:

• An unwillingness to consider the validity of your mate’s point of view.
• Have you ever said, “I didn’t tell you because I knew you would get upset?” 
• When we assume, we ignore the most beautiful characteristic of human beings…which is the ability to learn and change from day to day. 
• Perhaps a good question to ask yourself before we assume is:  “What will happen if I don’t assume?” 
• The answer is simple:  “I’ll find out!”

Builder 1: Checking:

• An openness to understand your mate’s point of view.  “What was your understanding of what I expected?”
• Checking is a way to learn how much understanding we have and how capable they are.
• When we take time to check, we are saying that we respect the fact that the person is capable to make decisions, and that we are trying to make room for his or her growth.
• Rule of thumb is to substitute dialogue and patience for assuming: “How can I use this situation to check out what this person knows, sees, is ready to learn, or can do?” 
• Ask questions, don't make statements!

Barrier 2:  Rescuing or Explaining:

• Disrespect of your mate’s ability to make wise decisions.  “Be sure you don’t forget your lunch!”
• Too often we rescue or fix instead of allowing our mate to experience the consequences of their behavior. 
• When we step in too quickly we are called rescuers or enablers.

Builder 2:  Exploring:

• Listening with purpose to understand your mate’s point of view.
• Explore the What? Why?  And How? Of an experience.
• Ask questions:  “What is your understanding of what was happening?  What might have caused this to happen?  Having had that experience, what could you learn from it that might help you next time?”
• Our patience in exploring experiences conveys this message:  “I see within you the capabilities to master situations and gain understanding.”

Barrier 3:  Directing:

• Disconnecting or judging of your mate’s point of view.  “Pick up your shoes!  Put that away!”
• It’s much easier to step in and direct than to invite their participation and accept that they might do things differently. 
• When we are too quick to step in and direct, we produce hostility, aggression and resistance.
• Directing is probably the most widespread barrier in families.  It is always “easier to do it myself.” 

Builder 3:  Encouraging/Inviting:

• Empathy, which results from careful Listening.
• Your mate feels encouraged when they see themselves as assets rather than objects,
• See mistakes as opportunities to learn rather than as failures,
• And invited participation and contributions rather than directing and demanding compliance.
• When we encourage and invite, we motivate positive attitudes toward learning from experience.  “I would appreciate any help you could give me in straightening up the living room.”

Barrier 4: Expecting:

• Blaming your mate for one’s own personal feelings.  “I was expecting more consideration.”
• Expecting is setting high standards and then pointing out failure to reach these standards.
• This is always discouraging and destructive experience.
• Expecting is rooted in a disbelief in current capabilities and entails criticism of failures.

Builder 4:  Celebrating:

• A genuineness conveyed through warmth and interest.
• Too often we are preoccupied with what is not happening in a relationship and overlook what is.  “I appreciate the effort you put forth in our relationship!”
• Need to celebrate any little movement in the right direction.  
• That is a reason for great joy.”

Barrier 5:  Adultisms:

• Lack of genuineness indicated by a tone of voice which contradicts the spoken message.
• Unrealistic expectations that produce impotence, frustration, hostility, and aggression. 
• The language of adultisms is, “Why can’t you ever?  How come you never? Surely you realize!  How many times do I have to tell you?  Why are you so childish? When will you ever grow up? Did You? Can you? Will you? Won’t you? Are you? Aren’t you?”

Builder 5: Respect:

• Respect for differing points of view.
• The language of respect is, “What was your understanding of what is appropriate?  Let me be sure I understand.”
• When we have shown respect for the uniqueness of each individual’s most beautiful characteristic of the human race: we value our diversity.

Look at the Luke 2:46-47 and find the four reasons the intellectuals of the day were so impressed with Jesus' approach to them.  This secret can change your relationship for ever!